You know what else is terrifying, not loving yourself enough to want something different. When you wake up one day and realize this is not at all how I want to live my life, your blueprint doesn’t match your vision. You know you want to change it and you have no idea what the first step is.
Either change your blueprint or change your vision – Here are 3 steps to figure it out:
- KNOW YOUR WHY – take a good look at yourself and figure out why you’re making the decision to change. Is it because you’re unhappy? that’s not really a reason why, happiness comes and goes. Is it because you know at your core that this ‘life’ you’re living isn’t what you are and what you want to represent to the world. Truly get to the reason why – journaling, tons of self reflection and 4 years of therapy helped me figure this out.
- IT’S NOT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON – your life is just that, YOURS and you are 90% responsible for it. Of course, there are situations that just happen and that’s just life so not much you can do about that except deal with it. The other 90%, that’s all you and you must start taking action to either change your blueprint or change your vision. I know that’s easier said than done, and remember Rome wasn’t built in a day. Take it literally one step at a time, one action at a time, one habit at a time and build on it and when you look up, you’ll will have matched the blueprint with the vision. The first step for me making a commitment to myself that this was not how I’m going to live my life. I wasn’t sure how I was going quantify that into an action yet and I just knew that this was all about me and not how my ex made me feel. It was up to me to grow and change, it had nothing to do with him and his trauma. I had to figure out my own shit first.
- TAKE ACTION – you can start small, with one habit, one thought. If you are trying to lose weight, commit to eating at least one fruit a week, then once you have that down, eat 2 fruits a week, and gradually move yourself up to one a day. Leading up to my divorce, therapy is what I had to be disciplined about, no matter what the financial cost was or a disruption to the kids schedule, I made a commitment to go and I made it right after work so I had no excuse to skip it that week.
Mindset is one of the hardest things to change, when you have so much societal conditioning compounded with your own family patterns and dysfunction. When you try to change, you don’t realize just how deep those patterns and conditioning is ingrained in you because that’s all you know. For me, staying married was one family pattern I was determined to break. Growing up, I didn’t witness any healthy marriages in my immediate family and I just knew I didn’t want to be like that. At the same time, I didn’t realize that holding on to a dream that died a long time ago, was literally killing my spirit and I was the murderer.
Yes, I would love to get married again! The pain I went through serves a purpose and I’m using it as a catalyst to grow and learn from in so many ways, it’s unbelievable, exciting and scary simultaneously. It’s hard to accept the parts you don’t like about yourself, that’s where the real healing begins and it starts with a real deep, deep introspection at yourself and unlearning all the things you thought about YOU.
It’s not easy at all, and there are days and weeks that you’ll want to give up, trust me I know. The person and the life that comes out on the other side is so worth it, I promise you it is. Just keep going friend.
love always,
Image credit: Photo by Hester Qiang on Unsplash